Calm Blue Ocean

Whoa what a month I am having.  I know I have been quiet over the last few weeks but soooooooooo much has been happening and I am totally exhausted.  Now where to start.  Oh yes I have self diagnosed myself with needing a holiday.  I'm worn out, my skin feels like crap, my hair feels like crap and my body is just telling me to sleep lol.  I am one worn out mumma!!!

Callum has decided that he doesn't need to go to sleep when he is told to.  Slightly frustrating for me as after 7.30pm this is MY TIME. Most parents do it.  It's the couple of hours before we go to bed where we can chill out and get things done that need to be done.  My son feels there is no need for this.  Last night he decided that he would eventually fall asleep at 10.30pm and that was only because I had had enough, turned all the lights out in the house and went to bed myself.  He was then slightly surprised when I woke him up at 6.30am when I got up.  Hopefully tonight he might be a little bit more understanding with going to bed earlier.  His sleeping pattern has become out of whack since the last school holidays but last night I was on the verge of losing my cool big time. 

A couple of weeks ago Callum had his paedeatric appointment and we made the huge decision to medicate him to help him with concentration levels at school.  Please don't feel that we have decided to take the easy way out as I felt like the biggest most horrible parent in the world when I first started giving it to him.  But alas.  School has gotten a lot easier for him to handle and he is actually doing more work than what he has been allocated.  He actually got an award for a great week at school last week.  I nearly cried.  It was the first week the whole year where I didn't hear "Callum did this" or "Callum did that".  One of the proudest moments I have had in a long time.  He is actually sitting at his desk and doing his work.  Interacting in class activities and doing what he's told.  His hours are slowly being extended at school and he is being transitioned into the next stages of what needs to happen.  I don't give it to him on weekends because it is purely to help him concentrate at school.

So Patty is halfway through a swing at work and I'm back to doing it on my own for a while. Me and the 3 munchkins. Thankfully the way his shifts are layed out he will be home for school holidays WHOOHOO!!!   I am off to do a market this weekend with the things I have been making so that will be a few hours break I get and Grandad will be watching them.  Poor grandad lol.  I hope he makes it out of my madhouse lol.

Don't judge anyone before you walk a mile in their shoes...

I am a Mum
I love my 3 beautiful kids
I love my husband
I love to sew
I love tattoos
I love to create
I love my Mum and Dad
I love my Brother and Sister
I love my Nieces and Nephews and all of my extended family
I love my friends
I lend a hand when it is needed
I live life with a smile even though quite a bit of the time that is not always how I feel
I have a husband who works away from home
I have a son with Autism
I love the way his mind works sometimes
I love the hugs and kisses I get from all 3 of the kids
I sometimes get a feeling of frustration
I sometimes wonder how long will it be before I get the much needed break I wish I could have
I wish I could be supermum
I wish someone could wave a magic wand and everything would be perfect
I wish that I could sometimes put myself before everyone else

You see that mum in the shopping centre.  She is the one with the kid who is fixated on something on the shelf and she can't get him to move.  The trip started off fantastic but over time with the fluro lights and the noise of a busy shopping centre, he starts to act out.  You sit there and think to youself oh my god I wish she would just slap that kid.  You don't know he has Autism.  He doesn't "Look" like he has Autism.  Sometimes all she probably wants is for someone to say "do you need a hand with anything?".

I used to be one of those people before I had Callum.  I was naive and had no idea what Autism was.  Now I understand.  Noone else will ever know what I go through because they aren't me.  Every single child is different.  Same as I will never know what any other parent really goes through. Our children experience different difficulties in life, different obsessions, have different triggers and view the world from a very different way to what we do.  I am at the beginning.  Cal is 6.  I have a looooooong way to go before the hardness really sets in which is teenagehood.  But at the end of the day every parent wants that feeling of accomplishment with their children.  He is going to need a lot of help throughout his schooling life and I know I have the patience to help him.  Why? Because I am his mum and it is my job to provide as much support for him as I can. 

I get down.  I have moments where I just wish the world would swallow me up and I can start all over again.  But I soldier on.  The meltdowns and the obsessions I am slowly getting used to but is still a never ending battle.  I really wish I knew what runs through his mind.  What he was thinking and how he processes things.  As harder work as he is and I know he will be,  I couldn't live without him.  Well to put it better no matter how shitty my day gets I couldn't live without any of them.